When I imagine taking kids to the park, or camping or reading to them, or playing with them it just seems like a chore. Is that something that magically becomes different if it's _your_ kid?
With my niece and nephew I enjoyed playing with them for an hour or so, then I wanted to be left alone. I get the feeling parenting is a bad idea in general for people who love being alone for extended periods of time.
The truth is that taking kids to the park can feel like even MORE of a chore when it's your own kids, because you've had to do it every week, it has no novelty, and you would love just a few hours to yourself instead because you're a parent and you don't get much of that.
The reason it's still better when it's your kids, though, is that it's an investment. Kids are a lifelong relationship. They outlive you. All that time you spend with them starts paying interest and dividends, the same as it does when you spend time with other people you love and spend time with.
My oldest is 12 now and she's funny, insightful, and one of my favorite people to be with. The years I invested in reading and parks with her in the early years are being paid back with hours spent talking about our favorite books and going outdoors together. It's worth it.
One thing that might be hard to appreciate is how much, at least for me, having kids changed my personality. I’ve become a much more patient person. Spending extended periods of time with my kids almost has a meditative quality in which I’m living in the moment and absorbing my surroundings in a deliberate way. My son’s presence in his environment provides a fresh perspective that I can tune into and ride along with.
That's interesting. Kids made me much less patient, and also far more selfish. I have much less free time so I get absolutely frustrated if the remainder is wasted. I have far less money so I am loathe to give it to anyone in need or do much but hoard money at all costs lest the child need more $100 bills for the roaring cash fire they are. I have no time for friends so I have little incentive to be kind or cordial to others for the purpose of developing a relationship. My emotional capacity to care for others is drained by the child, so I have no empathy left over for others.
Pre-kid me was far more patient, far more kind, far more generous, far more empathetic, and all around a much more pleasant and well rounded person.
Isn't that just that your patience / giving capacity is just being exhausted by your kid at the mo' ? No-one has unlimited capacity in that area. Maybe when the kid gets bigger, more independent, less demanding, you'll go back to how you were before? You might just have to apologise to some friends for having been cranky for a while? ;) Also don't underestimate how much capacity is drained by juggling work and kids. I think a lot of people who say kids are hard, really, their problem is work drains them too much. So, finding a more laid-back job, WFH etc, helps. I'm for sure much more laid back in the morning with the kids than I would be if I still had to rush out to the office. And reasonably laid-back about being interrupted from work to see the latest picture they've drawn or whatever, cos my work is not as stressful as some previous jobs
I like the garden metaphor for kids, works in a lot of situations. Like here, if somebody asked me to water/weed their tomato plants for a weekend I would not terribly enjoy it and if “having a tomato garden” was just that times 50 then forget it. But if you plant the garden and experience the joy of caring for the plants and the (literal) fruit of your labor it’s a different story.
When I imagine taking kids to the park, or camping or reading to them, or playing with them it just seems like a chore. Is that something that magically becomes different if it's _your_ kid?
Yes, of course. It’s not likely magic, more millions of years of evolutionary biology.
But boy it feels like magic.
(FWIW, I’m also someone who enjoys long stretches of alone time. Still get to do it, if somewhat less frequently. Still enjoy it.)
I have four kids under eight years old. I often feel like I'm just trying to kill the hours until they nap or go to bed, when I can finally have some quiet time alone. I feel very guilty about this whenever I'm reminded that this should be the best chapter of life with my kids, and it'll fly by, and I'll miss it when it's gone. I'm not saying that I don't have moments when I gaze at my kids in awe and feel full of love (which does seem to be different when they're _your_ kids)... I'm just usually exhausted and need more alone time, as an introvert, to recharge.
The article is right that "When kids are outside for lengthy periods of time they become engaged, contemplative, calm and happy. In other words, they don't drive you bonkers!" If we're inside our house, they fight and scream and cry and make a mess and break things and never leave me alone. If I take them outside, they can spread out and explore and the house stays intact (so I don't have to clean / fix it later). Sometimes at the park I can even read something or listen to a podcast / audiobook while they play.
FWIW I have two children, aged 3 and 6 months, and I would say it is about accurate (for me) that the first hour is enjoyable and then the next 10 are less so. It's a chore that you are doing every single day.
However, the older they get the less boring they are and I assume at some point I will get more out of the relationship.
But I had the children so I gotta deal with what that entails and I'm comfortable with that. I went into this very willingly.
But I absolutely have no judgement against people who don't want to have children... It might not be for you, I don't have any magical emotion that makes it less work, and there are many, many things I'd rather be doing.
As they get older you can increasingly share your hobbies with them rather than be a pure source of child-like entertainment.
I have a 7 year old and two 4 year olds, and we: play video games, watch movies, go for hikes, climb trees, go swimming, play various sports, play dnd, play board games, and paint warhammer miniatures together.
Yes I do anticipate that happening, but it's no guarantee.
And even still doing 3-5 years of very hard parenting work to get to that is a lot... And I didn't even carry the children which is another year of very hard work!
I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my decision to have children, but if I didn't really want to have them this would be rough.
You get to choose what you do with your kids, to some degree. My cousin and his wife love sports, their kids are all in sports and they go to all the games -- they'd be doing that even without kids. I like walking and sneaking into construction sites, my kid likes walking and sneaking into construction sites because that's what we do.
I'm an introvert who enjoys alone time, and a parent of two. I agree with you on all your points, you're entirely correct. No, that stuff doesn't become magically enjoyable.
I imagine it varies, but from most people I know, it's the very definition of "labor of love".
It's certainly a big time and effort commitment and sometimes you'd rather not, but there's basically nothing in life I care about more than my kids.
And they can, in a moment, give me more joy or fulfillment than I'd find in a week in my pre-kids life.
I'm someone who needs alone time, and it's really hard for me at times, but their wellbeing impacts my wellbeing more than my wellbeing does, they sorta naturally became my #1 priority in life, so anything but taking care of them to the best of my ability simply doesn't make sense to me.
It definitely does but not completely. You are probably going to be totally smitten with your kid and spending time with them, even if its something "boring" is going to be really enjoyable. Unfortunately, your kid can sometimes be a brat (or at least mine is sometimes, but I'd guess a lot are!) and then these activities that are good for them can feel like a chore.
I definitely like having my own space and at least with one kid, I'm still getting plenty of it. But the time I spend with her is incredibly rewarding (most of the time ;)
I have a 3 year old, 17 month old, and a 3 week old. My oldest and middle child go bike riding with me and my bike trailer. They also go kayaking with my wife and I. It can be a chore at times but over all it’s not and very enjoyable. They have a shorter limit than us for doing things.
It’s not a chore it’s a necessity. They are such a joy sometimes it’s unbelievable so you just grind it out. The lack of sleep is my least favorite part with the babies but it’s not so bad.
I love being alone for extended periods of time. I once went to a week long conference and at the end of the week I realized that I had not spoken to a single person the entire week, after telling the people at the conference check in desk my name. But, I love spending time with my kids. It doesn’t feel like a chore at all.
Playing with my nieces and nephews I found that it’s not hanging out that is a chore, but that they won’t always accept my years of experience as correct when I attempt to introduce them to the toys, games or shows that I grew up with.
Before becoming a parent I generally avoided kids. I had some vague plan about starting a family, but that was it.
It wasn't enjoyable from the get go. But with time we started forming a bond and having our own little habits.
Bottom line is initially you don't know this person so it's hard to expect from you to automatically have a great time. But as a child develops they become more interesting overall.
Same for me, I never liked being around or babysitting young kids that much. But it is totally different with my own kids. And I have noticed that I don't avoid other people's young children quite as much now either because I have learned to appreciate their energy, happiness, and humor (both intentional and unintentional humor).
I rarely take mine to the park for the reason you mentioned.... It's boring. I just tell my kids to go play outside. They're 7 and 8 and are each other's best friend. Just find something you and your kids enjoy and do that
With my niece and nephew I enjoyed playing with them for an hour or so, then I wanted to be left alone. I get the feeling parenting is a bad idea in general for people who love being alone for extended periods of time.